so today I realized that even with the paycheck I can pick up tomorrow, I'm 50 $ short on rent. Fortunately, I have a bunch of change I can throw into the coinstar machine and 15 $ in cash, so I should be able to make it up or get within a reasonable striking distance to ask for a loan. I have another paycheck coming, I just don't know when because this place turns around invoices at random times.
actually, I came to this realization last night. I also figured out that in the last seven years I've spent 12 kilodollars on cloves. so as I was about to spend some more, I realized that I simply cannot. I can let any bill slip except rent. It's harder to not smoke when "I want to but can't afford to" than because I've decided to quit. Except that I've decided to quit before and it never worked. I need to go back seven years and smack myself around (for those of you who don't know this weird little tale: I started smoking when I was twenty seven. I don't have the peer pressure excuse or the childhood rebellion excuse or the being too much like my parents excuse or the being young and stupid excuse. I just have hormones and being not-so-young but still stupid as reasons).
In light of my financial situation, I probably should not have taken last week off. I may have to save every penny from my next paycheck and the one I'm going to submit an invoice for from two weeks ago just to pay next months rent on time. Not that I won't be working in January, just I won't be seeing that money in a timely fashion. I hate that about contracting.
Fortunately, I did another strange and different thing (for me) a couple weeks ago. Instead of buying 4 days worth of takeout, I bought like 4 weeks worth of food. Some of which I have to use a stove for, so I might end up never using it - or I might. I dunno. I used to cook, sorta, when I was with Chrysta. We made stuff together. I hate cooking for one. And it's not like I'm even doing really hard stuff. Just that it's not (all) "microwave, done" type food (I also have some tv dinners, too, of course). Mostly still pre-prepared. Bleh. When I was very young, I used to cook more. Now I would have a lot to re-learn if I wanted to start from "scratch".
I need a drink. Oh, can't afford that, either. Though I still have some from a couple weeks ago (when I wasn't looking so far ahead). Somehow I managed to go the last seven days without a drop.
So... that's my year so far. Quitting smoking (well, we'll see how long that lasts when/if I ever have money again), have a huge caffeine headache (can't afford Dr Pepper, either), fretting about when I get paid for things, trying to get by on spending no money for anything - which means a lot of sitting at home (don't want to spend too much gas, which I need to get to work) and thus a lot of being alone. I hate my life.